Hi, I'm Katie Ludlum

It’s been a while, and I feel like shit honestly. I hate Florida more, more everyday but, I try to hide it becuase my mom hates it when I say it. So, I’m not going to Ohio this summer. :( I wish I was but mom says “no”. TODAY is Kara’s birthday and I wish I could be in ohio to sing happy birthday to her untill her ears fell off. :( BLEH. I miss the way things were. I’m so lame. blah blah blah blah blah.

p.s I’m dying and cutting my hair a new color, style.

No one talks to me anymore. I’m losing touch and, it’s not on my part. hmph. -.-

Thank you.
For making me feel like everything is ok,
for helping me feel complete,
for making me feel warm and alive,
in a time when I’ve felt so cold and numb.

You’ve helped me cope when sarah died,
so young, and too soon.

I was stuck in this never ending dream,
I wanted to wake up but I couldn’t.
I was stuck in the dark,
You are the light at the end of the tunnel.
You grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the dark.

I love you for that.
I am forever devoted to you.
Thanks to The Used.

You got it, you got it. Some kind of magic, hypnotic, hypnotic. You’re leaving me breathless. I hate this, I hate this!

hmph.

Today I was in the car with my mom on the way to Manatee Technical Institute and we got talking about Sarah and then life. I didn’t know that I would get that upset about talking about something that happened a while ago. I guess I really miss her. It’s hard to let go. Life is very painful sometimes. I’m upset that I’m still upset about her I guess. The phrase “no time to bleed” has no effect on me whatso ever. I really miss Sarah. I won’t ever get to see her ever again. Hopefully I see her when my time is up. It’s something nice to look forward to. I’m not scared of death anymore. I just won’t do anything to end my life anytime soon. My mom and I talked about death pretty much. I cried a lot.

I don’t know. I just miss sarah a lot still it’s been a year and it’s still hard to think about.

I can’t get him out of my mind.
He’s inside my head.
I dream about him everynight.

my dream love.
I love him being there everytime I close my eyes
but, why can’t he be real.

oh, the boy in my dreams is so perfect.

My dream had sarah in it. She came to visit me. She still had her eore purse. I wish it was real but, it’s not. I was upset when I woke up I miss her so much. I remember telling her, hey this isn’t good for me Sarah I’m going to be upset when you leave. She told me it would be fine, she loved me and missed me.

Rest in peace, Sarah Antrim.

hi, my name’s katie ludlum and I’m anit social.

I went on a vacation back to Ohio, where it all started. I mean it was nice but so much happened in the period of 3 weeks. Things change mostly for the better. All things happen for a reason if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be, right? I knew nothing would happen between me and erik I mean, I live on the other side of the united states but, why lead me on? Then leave me high and dry. Erik no longer talks to me. No texts, comments, messages. nothing. It’s depressing I don’t think anyone realizes how much it hurts me to lose a friend. Erik and I could have stayed friends but he couldn’t even stand to see me becuase “It would hurt him too much” I know, you can’t have me but please be my friend erik. I’m banned from my best friend, kara’s house. My mom, aunt don’t like the enviroment there. They don’t trust me. It’s depressing I can’t ever see my best friend or her family. I love all of them. Yeah, kara’s house smells like smoke and her boyfriend lives there SO WHAT? My aunt said “her and her boyfriend are always bangin” SHE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW. Kara has morals. I mean what the hell are you thinking talking shit about my best friend to me? Please, you act like her house is hell. It’s ridiculous. I’m tired of losing everything I love. My mom moved me from my favorite town, house to a new house, a stupid town. I want to be able to make my own decisions but I can’t becuase I’m a “stupid teenager”. I don’t go to church anymore I’ve figured out the reason why, If god loves everyone equaly why did he let my Sarah Boo die? Why did he take her? I wish someone could answer these without adding the fact that she commited suicide which, is a crime apparently. If God was actually there why did he make her life hell? making her want to leave? I tried my hardest to be there I was there for her but now, she’s gone. I don’t even care. I’ve figured out that if I didn’t have a family that actually cared, I would have killed myself a long time ago. People need me here. The world is a horrible place. Everyone has to be dicks, bitches. It hurts me that I can’t do anything to get anything nice in return. I haven’t ever had a boyfriend who has been nice to me. I always get treated like shit. Shit happens to me all the time. I feel like giving the whole world the finger. just, fuck off. Ohio was nice, I missed my cousins. I had a good time. Erik ignoring me bothered me though. I really liked him as a person. He was a cool guy. and Now, I just don’t even care about anything. Erik drew all over kara’s wall and I painted over almost everything. I painted “erik is a jackass” on the wall and painted over his signature. and wrote mazzy everywhere. I’m thinking of changing my name to mazzy but, Katie Ludlum has so much Ludlum pride in it. Like, fuck yeah I’m a Ludlum Katie mother fuckin Ludlum.